It's Just Not Cricket
M Leigh & NM Smith v AJ Stewart and GA Small – Wentworth GC West Course 18th August 2005
It all came about during an auction at the England v Australia Twenty-20 non-match at the Rosebowl in June. My mate Neil generously paid charity a substantial sum for the honour of giving two ex-cricketers time off from watching Ashes cricket to play us at Wentworth’s West Course, home of the HSBC World Matchplay.
On arrival at Wentworth we were greeted by two English cricket legends; step forward ex-England Captain, wicketkeeper and 18 handicapper, Alec ‘Stewie’ Stewart. Partnering Stewie, the former Gloucestershire and England fast bowler better known for his looks than his 10 handicap, Gladstone ‘Stone Man’ Small. Although we were giving away 8 and 2 shots respectively, it was only after we raced into a 3-hole lead after 3 that we realised we weren’t going to get hustled by the competitive ex-sportsmen. Stewie’s tee shot on the 1st was a shove into trees on the right, after which he confessed that he could easily walk out to bat (and occasionally make a quick trip back to the pavilion) in front of 90,000 spectators at the MCG, but teeing up his ball in front of 2 strangers on one of the best courses in the country was slightly more daunting. We helped look for his ball in some foliage only to discover once found that it was stamped with both his name and the Chelsea FC logo. If we’d known this before we wouldn’t have bothered looking.
Surprisingly, we reached the halfway hut two-up. Stewie had already been mocked about ‘dropping his balls’ by some local cad on the practice putting green and was once again subjected to a similarly original jibe when handling a sausage sandwich at the halfway hut. The Stone Man’s round to date had resulted in the shedding of 4 lost balls and minimal contribution to the match.
The match had continued to produce golf of a reasonable standard coloured by very few halved holes and a boatload of lost balls for Gladstone. We reached the 18th tee all square and the honour was with the cricketers. The pressure was on and these two melted like tarmac in the searing Surrey sun. Stewie duffed his drive into a bushy spot on the right so Stone Man took an iron for safety. Unfortunately for him it his eighth lost ball cannoned into another bushy enclave. Stewie hacked around in the trees for a while before again being subjected to hilarious ‘don’t drop it’ comments from some construction workers by the green. The duo then conceded to a par and a one-hole defeat. They’d received a golfing lesson that would most probably be easily forgotten by the following day, and our expected prize of winning a pair of tickets for the Oval test was sadly replaced by a mere handshake.
After another ‘don’t drop it’ directed at Stewie from some wag, we moved into the clubhouse for a Ploughmans lunch and a swift pint. Decent blokes, awful golf and a lot of lost balls, what more could you want.
Words by a mate of Gav’s
8/31/2005 8:22:32 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00) 
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