More chimp on a chopper than girl on a tricycle, as BMW’s new Prodigy-fuelled ad campaign would have us imagine. The 120i actually packs a surprisingly perky punch for its pound and as as you’d expect from The Ultimate Driving Machine™ the 1-Series has a build quality second to none and a responsiveness and handling only rear-wheel drive can offer. Its tidy 150bhp is enough to raise a smile and get you from start button to sixty two in 8.7 seconds. This nipper is perhaps a little lacking in torque, 135mph over six gears may be spreading the Bavarian butter a little thin, but then again it’s only a little run around, isn’t it?
The V50 has an impressive array of techno gadgetry: From it’s Advanced Key Memory feature (which lets you set preferences for two individual drivers), to Audible Park Distance Control and run-flat tyres, it looks set to make an attractive proposition to all current VW Golf, Audi A3 and Alfa 147 drivers across the planet. GolfPunk’s SE spec boasted additional fanciness in the form of Boston Leather seating, (from Boston for Chrissakes!) and 16” alloys.
But what’s with the make-over? On first impressions BMW’s styling overhaul across screamed less of aerodynamics and more of Walls’ Funny Face ice cream. But, hey, it’s unconventional sculpture lines are a slow burner and given a few days the 1-Series looks will make perfect sense.
So it’s golf clubs in the boot, Her Ladyship in the front, press start and we’re off, on a weekend of old skool indulgence at the sensational Tylney Hall. It should be said the 120i has a fairly limiting 330 litres of luggage space so you’ll need to you’ll to fold down the rear seats to accommodate anything more than a set of niblicks and mashies. This little beauty makes handsome work of the motoring-hell conference that is London’s M25 on a Friday evening. No cabin noise at 70mph, still none at 90mph and hardly any at a 6,000rpm 110mph in fourth gear with two more of its 6 speed manual box still on offer. All you can hear are the joyous bleeps and squiggles of Aphex Twin’s Polygon Window and the obligatory ‘steady on’ from the missus.
On arrival to Tylney Hall we are parked suitably, amongst the motoring aristocracy. Three M3s, 12 Cayennes, two Boxsters, six 911’s and five Ferraris. Heckfire, it’s as if we’ve arrived at the wedding of Ferdinand Porsche and Enzo Ferrari’s great- grandchildren. But it’s the little fella whose enjoying all the attention as heads turn and compliments fly from all around. The only person who seemed less than impressed was a complete misinformed nincompoop , who was convinced that BMW had no place in the entry-level motoring classes. But he cut a lonely figure. And he looked like a hen.
We’re greeted by a staunchly attentive staff from the bell boy who marches out to help with the Mizuno tour bag, to the Deputy Restaurant Manager Edzard, a self-confessed GolfPunk, who I’m very happy to report, was more than attentive with pre-dinner House Bergerac wine requirements. Tylney Hall and it’s Executive Head Chef Stephen Hine rightly pride themselves on putting on a spread second-to-none. Included for our enjoyment was pan fried sea bass and breast of duck with a spiffing wild mushroom risotto cake on the side. Very pleased. Having enjoyed the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had, we awaken in time for the kind of full English breakfast you just can’t argue with. Then, after a quick spin round Tylney Hall’s back yard, it’s back on the road again. In all, The Ultimate Driving Weekend™ and not a tortoise in sight.

Words and Photos by Steve Read