Sam Torrance

(although GolfPunk reckons a knighthood is overdue) and throughout it all continues to treat princes and paupers exactly the same. That’s why we love him. But what’s all this about snakes, spiders, gambling, getting pissed and telling Fred Couples to fuck off?

Women can’t drive properly, discuss.

“Women can’t drive? [Holds thumb and forefinger three inches apart] It’s because they’re so used to being told that’s nine inches.”

What’s the best suit you’ve ever owned?

“Ryder Cup waterproofs.”

Is it true the Ryder Cup captain gets given the buggy he uses?

“I was given mine.”

And do you still use it?

“I don’t use it, no.”

We heard you use it to pop up to Sunningdale occasionally.

“Not at all, no; it’s never been out of the garage.”

So it will appear on eBay one day?

“[chuckles] Maybe. Hopefully not, but maybe.”

Are you a big car freak?

“I’ve had my moments, yes.”

What’s the one you hated parting with?

“A Bentley convertible. I bought it five, six, seven years ago and kept it for a year, year-and-a-half but it was above my station. I thought it was magnificent.”

So what do you have now?

“I’ve got a BMW, it’s beautiful. Seven series and that’s as good as it gets really.”

Biggest pro-am nightmare?

“Oh come on, come on, steady the buffs.”

This is clearly getting into territory that…

“Well, you have to be very careful. Playing with Ian Botham, who is a dear friend. At the Forest of Arden. The ninth and 10th go past the clubhouse and play was a bit slow so we decided to stop for a pint. We let four groups through. I didn’t play well that week, I got Beefy-ised. He is scary; it would take a football team to drink him down.”

And you’ve learnt the lesson of not trying to compete with him?

“Oh, absolutely. Compete isn’t the word. I’ve learned not even to try and grab onto his shirt-tails.”

A couple of years ago I followed you both in a practice round for the Dunhill Links at Kingsbarns and forgot myself and was chatting to another journalist when you strolled over and very quietly said: ‘If you don’t want a size 12 boot up your arse I suggest you shut up when Beefy’s putting.’ Is he a club thrower? Does he ‘lose the heid’?

“No. He’s a very keen golfer and competent too, a very good golfer and a good all-round egg.”

When England are playing in the World Cup or European Championship…

“…I would always support England unless they were playing Scotland, absolutely. If you don’t support your home countries then there’s something wrong with you. I have seen Scots when England are playing Germany shouting for fucking Germany. I just do not fathom that out. If England were playing Ireland I would probably support Ireland – the Celtish thing – and if they were playing Scotland I would definitely support Scotland.”

Coronation Street or EastEnders?

“Both.”

You’re a soap man?

“Those two are the only ones I’ve watched but I’ve watched Coronation Street since its inception. When I was five we lived in Manchester when Coronation Street started and I’ve watched it ever since. Avidly.”

So you’ve secretly lusted after Deirdre all your life?

“[Laughs] No.”

Favourite cowboy movie?

“Shane.”

War movie?

“The one about Barnes Wallis – The Dambusters.”

Gangster movie?

“The Godfather. No, there’s better than that. Once Upon a Time in America was brilliant.”

Any fears or phobias?

“I get dizzy on a thick carpet.”

You don’t like heights either do you?

“No, I don’t like peering over the edge of stuff.”

So you’re the one who gets the spiders out of the bath?

“Funnily enough I used to hate spiders, used to be terrified of them. But when I was Ryder Cup captain at least three times during the week there would be a spider crawling over me, over my trousers or arm or whatever and I did nothing – I actually befriended them. And ever since then I’ve no fear of them whatsoever.”

» Sam Torrance Pt.3