Fourteen year old boys beating European tour pros, seventy year old ladies wandering the fairway, getting more distance by dunking your ball in beer, this is urban golf…this is how to win the Shoreditch Open.

“A RedBull and Vodka please”, are five words you should not say at 9:30am on a train to London …well, not in preparation for a golf tournament at least. But this was the preferred approach for GP Publisher Danny Crouch (golfing pseudonym Luther Zulu) and me AKA The Puff Caddy. We are the GolfPunk representatives for the second annual Shoreditch Open.

Shoreditch hosts the only par 72, 18-hole urban golf tournament in the world and is not just a valid excuse to wear plus fours on the streets of the capital. Warren Pterra the acting club captain and all round good egg filled us in, “the sponsors are all local businesses and the charities we give to are also local”. The Shoreditch Open has a family feel. Warren’s uncle sponsored one of the holes, his dad was heavily involved and his brother played in the tournament. Giving to the needy is all well and good, but we just want the trophy. It was not the best start when I forgot Crouchys glove. He compared me with Ian Woosnam’s caddy in the fateful open when Woosey was penalised for having 15 clubs in his bag. “I could get disqualified from the Shoreditch Open”, he moaned, disqualified, he wasn’t.

It turns out that a team would do well to be thrown out, the closest anyone has come is a competitor from last years field. He had a machete with him as part of his costume and was taken away by the police, so not really disqualified, more like arrested! Hugh and Chez from the Thames ambulance service were on hand for any maniac machete wielding lunatics. However they admitted they’d “never seen an injury on an urban golf course” Although last years winner of the ‘most fastidious caddy’ award was “admitted to hospital after the tournament” due to a burst ulcer caused by imbibing too many flutes of champagne. Dressed as a French waiter the pissed up berk armed himself with a trolley which held ice, glasses, funny French sparkling wine and golf sticks. After three holes, a bottle of whisky and several champers later, he was obviously in a bad way. In a nut shell the biggest problem Hugh and Chez predicted was dehydration.

Looking at the weather and thirsty nature of the competitors you felt they had a point. Hugh suggested that players took lots of fluid on board on their way around, when I suggested that many people seemed to be taking lots of fluid on board but not the isotonic drinks normally associated with re-hydration he qualified his earlier statement by suggesting the only liquid that should be quaffed is water, no chaser. Never mind all that nonsense, what about making the rules work for us? How about paying off the officials?

At last years awards ceremony there was a bit of a disagreement, the winner ‘Tuna’ won by a suspect margin beating none other than porky Irish tour pro, Roland Raferty. Tuna if that really is his name, was booed when he got on stage. As he received the glass plate, somebody lobbed a golf ball and smashed it to raucous laughter and applause. The stewards admitted afterwards “they should have kept a proper score”, you think! This year the officials include Gabriel, Andy and Dave and their word is always final. They claimed “Stewards need an in-depth understanding of urban golf otherwise they can’t officiate properly” then they all cracked up. When I enquired into the possibility of bribing them, instead of denying it they immediately decided they in fact could be bought, but it would be more expensive this year. Bribing was not an option for Team GP nor a method of any self-respecting GolfPunk.

The chief referee Corporal McDuff was officiating our four-ball. He explained the Shoreditch Open adhered to the R&A rules of golf 2004 – 2007 except where they are superseded by the local rules of Shoreditch golf club of which there are 11. He was not for turning. In fact he was relishing the opportunity of watching the Shoreditch track taming the players. “With the way the course is laid out and the conditions, par will be heavily protected, in fact if anybody beats par I will eat my shooting stick”, a safe bet but we wanted him chewing on that stick all the same.

» The Shoreditch Open 2005 Part 2

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